Category Archives: SPIRITUALly Yours

Check Your Lining

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Dear Supermodel Saints,

Yesterday, in the middle of Winter, the forecast was sunny and 60+ degrees. So, in celebration of the unseasonably warm weather, I decided to wear a skirt suit (I don’t typically wear skirts to work in the Winter)… a lovely lil gray micro-houndstooth suit (complete with kick-pleat pencil skirt) that I hadn’t worn since I got it out the cleaners in the fall. Although crammed between a rack of other suits, it appeared to be free of wrinkles and ready to wear. Yay! It didn’t even need to be ironed! I slipped it on, zipped up the skirt, buttoned the jacked, stepped into my heels, and sashayed over to the mirror for a last-minute check before heading to the office. Just one teeny tiny problem: my sharp lil suit looked a little… sloppy. How could this be? It looked fine on the hanger… why didn’t it look so neat while draped against my body? Well, the answer was simple: the lining was wrinkled.

As I stood there ironing the lining of this suit I was determined to don (’cause I was NOT about to go through the whole process of deciding what to wear alllll over again!), I thought about how this suit represented so many of the lovely people gracing the face of the earth: smooth on the outside, crumpled on the inside. On the surface, we appear to have it all together- smiling, in control, hardworking, successful, strong, and “perfect”- Supermodel Saints, if you will. But underneath, many of us are quite wrinkled. A power struggle ensues between who we are (the real us) and who we pretend to be (the ideal us).

The real us makes mistakes, doesn’t have all the answers, gets angry and upset, sins on a daily basis, and is therefore completely imperfect. Yet, we pretend that we “got it goin’ on.” And for what? To impress a bunch of other imperfect people who are just as creased on the inside as we are? No wonder so many Christians are struggling spiritually!

Many don’t know how to be both human and Christian, and keep it real all at the same time. Imagine how much more at peace we would all be with ourselves if we knew we weren’t the only ones going through something. But instead, we parade under the facade of “being strong”, not realizing that true strength lies in admitting your weaknesses. Across the Country, we Christians strut into the Cleaners (Church) every week in our Sunday Best (and we’re just as stained, wrinkled and crinkled as can be on the inside) only to strut right back out as if we didn’t need to be washed and pressed in the first place! We’re afraid to be labeled as ‘weak’, or ‘bad’. So we clap our hands on cue, make the right gestures, nod and say ‘Amen’, then leave in the same stubborn condition (if we bother to attend church at all). Pretending to be something you’re not does a disservice to everyone, especially yourself. The fear of being “found out” will eat away at your lining (the real you) and keep you from living a victorious life.

What’s wrinkling your soul? What are you covering up?

In Changes That Heal, Dr. Henry Cloud examines this power struggle. “The ideal judges the real as unacceptable and brings condemnation and wrath on the real.” BUT! “The Bible teaches two extremes throughout- 1) We are made in the image of God, with incredible value (ideal), and  2) we are sinful and broken (real). Both are true and both need to be reconciled into a grace-giving relationship with God and others.” Amen.

My lovely lil suit is not a bad suit just because the lining was wrinkled. It’s just a lovely suit with a wrinkled lining. The lining isn’t bad, it just needed to be ironed in order for the suit to be as fabulous as it was designed to be. And you know what? You’re not a bad person if you’re struggling with something or you’re not as “perfect” as you pretend to be (NEWSFLASH: none of us are perfect!). Don’t allow your past or your present  problems to shame you into living a fearful future. You’re not unworthy of love and acceptance just because you have problems, make mistakes, your marriage isn’t perfect, your kids are off the chain, you had an addiction, you can’t afford to live like a rock star, etc. You’re a good person with a few wrinkles in your lining, that’s all. Happens to the best of us. 🙂

“There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us.”

~Edward Wallis Hoch

The crazy thing about lining is that even the sharpest suit/pants/skirt won’t lay right if the lining is left unchecked. Even if the wrinkles aren’t apparent to your onlookers, you just won’t be comfortable with what you have on. The lining may pull in the wrong direction or it may start creeping up into the wrong place, at the wrong time. And it’s bound to show eventually. What started off as a minor nuisance that you could conceal may soon keep you from walking right while you try to cover it up.

Quit pretending you got it all together and keep it real with YOU. Take your sharp self to the Master Cleaner, check yourself at the counter (the altar), tell Him what you’re ashamed of, struggling and dissatisfied with, and let Him iron out your wrinkles. So what if others see you crying out to God for help?! Shoot, maybe it will encourage them to get help too! While there are some things you can iron out on your own, at some point your situation will require Professional Care. Only the Professional can straighten out what you are ill-equipped to handle on your own. God is there for you every time you need to be refreshed, renewed, restored, and reshaped. You are imperfect AND worthwhile- a Designer’s original. Allow the Lord to clean, press and steam you into the fabulous person you were created to be- from the inside out. There’s a blessing in His pressing! 😉

Practically Yours,

~The Practical Chick

Self-Esteem: What’s Love Got to Do With It?

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Everybody wants to be loved… to feel love… to experience love… to have true love. Isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is (allegedly) all about? At a young age, we make up what true love looks like and how it should feel. Problem is, most of us don’t know how to be loving or even how to love ourselves. We often sabotage our relationships because it’s impossible to grow a garden of love from seeds of self-doubt.

Think of yourself as a tree. You have branches, leaves, and roots- deep roots consisting of your parents, siblings, grandparents, etc. The love your family of origin sowed into you as a child has very likely reaped either positive or negative fruit in your life. How you experienced love in your youth has probably shaped how love branches out from you towards others. How does your idea of love shape up to your reality of love? How does your ideal self compare to your reality of self? Are you a good steward of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being? That’s a good indication of the love you have for you. Let’s examine how love can shape one’s self-esteem…

THE ROOT OF LOVE

Our parents (or primary caregivers) are typically the first people who show us love. In a perfect world, they protect, provide, encourage, empower, care for us, and correct us when we’re wrong. Ideally, they show us how to love by modeling it before our eyes. They are loving, responsible, Godly, patient, and forgiving. They are the earthly representation of  God’s love for all mankind. In a perfect world, they can do no wrong in our eyes. But this isn’t a perfect world and none of us has perfect parents. At some point, and much to our chagrin, we realize that our parents are just as human as everyone else. They make mistakes. They sin. They hurt- and sometimes hurt us.

The reality is that many of our parents couldn’t model healthy loving relationships for us because they had no healthy example of their own to follow. They may have suffered with their own issues of fear, insecurity, and self-doubt. As a result, some level of dysfunction may have traveled through our roots and caused damage to our self-esteem.

This damage often goes unnoticed until we branch out into relationships with others. A parent who says they love you but abuses you (physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally) or walks out on you can cause you to guard yourself from love. A parent who implies that you’re not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough or strong enough can produce feelings of inadequacy that may lead you to either withdraw socially, look for love in all the wrong places, or become an overcompensating perfectionist who is never satisfied. A parent who gives their child “the world” and always comes to their rescue may cause that child to grow up believing that others must bend over backwards in order to show them their love. In Salvation, Black People and Love, Bell Hooks puts it this way:

“More benignly striving to attain an idealized fantasy of mother love, some black mothers have actually hindered the self-development of their children by not teaching them how to be responsible for their lives.”

Ouch!

Suffice it to say, mothers (and fathers) of all races are guilty of this crime. Raising irresponsible kids is an act of ignorance and/or fear, not an act of love.

How did your family of origin contribute to your self-esteem? What seeds did they plant (in their presence as well as in their absence)? What did/do the actions of your parents, siblings, and grandparents teach you about self-love and how have those lessons manifested themselves in your friendships/relationships? How do your behaviors (good and bad) contribute to the self-esteem of your children? Hmmm…

THE FRUIT OF LOVE

When rooted in love, our self-esteem can flourish. Not only will we emit a healthy, realistic self-image, but we’ll also be able to exhibit healthy loving behaviors towards our spouse, children, relatives and friends. We can love without fear of rejection or abandonment. We’ll attract people who will honor and respect us. And we will develop a more intimate, fulfilling relationship with God and others as a result of our own self-awareness and self-confidence. This is the essence of good fruit.

On the contrary, the presence of dysfunctional relationships and/or the absence of loving role models can produce some rather toxic fruit. Have you seen any of these hanging from your tree…?

      • Abandonment issues
      • Addiction (sex, love, shopping, gambling, food, etc.)
      • Compromising your beliefs for temporary satisfaction
      • Defensively guarding your heart
      • Dressing seductively
      • Engaging in abusive behavior towards others
      • Fear of commitment
      • Fear of failure/success
      • Fear of intimacy
      • Fear of rejection
      • Inability to express love/affection
      • Lack of relational boundaries (passive/passive-aggressive/aggressive behavior)
      • Lack of trust
      • Need to appear “strong”
      • Overprotective/Obsessive behavior
      • Poor self-image
      • Promiscuity
      • Snapping at your spouse/children for no reason
      • String of abusive relationships
      • Thirsty hearts/Constantly seeking affirmation

Whew! What a list! That fruit doesn’t sound so appetizing, does it? Now, I’m not talking about the occasional bad fruit that sprouts up on our branches every now and then. I’m referring the chronic condition that plagues us with bouts of depression, stress, and anxiety. That’s the type of fruit we try to cover up with bigger leaves. It’s what we like to pretend doesn’t exist. It tells us we’re a bad person when we mess up, rather than a good person who just made a mistake. It keeps us living in fear and shame instead of God’s love and grace. But here’s the good news: whether your self-esteem has been damaged by a deep line of unhealthy roots or the foliage of your self-image has drooped in the despair of life’s storms, your confidence can be restored with a little TLC (tree loving care ;-))!

ELEMENTS FOR SELF-LOVE

1. Good Seeds– You were fearfully and wonderfully created in the image of God. How fabulous is that???!!! Discover what the Bible says about your worth and meditate daily on God’s definition of true love. John 3:16-17 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 are great places to start! The Word of God is filled with good seeds that will produce healthy fruit.

2. Healthy Environment– Surround yourself with people who love you and encourage your growth. Seek wise, Godly counsel. Get professional help if necessary. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15). And beware of weeds- they’re deceptive. Daisies are colorful but they’re just pretty little weeds that’ll suck the life out of your lawn. Crabgrass may be richly green but it’ll keep your flower bed from reaching its full potential. Understand that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Chances are, it just has prettier weeds. What weeds (people, places, things) do you need to remove from your life?

3. Deep Roots– Roots need an opportunity to run deep in order for your self-esteem to grow strong enough to withstand the storms of life. Moving from place to place (relationship to relationship, church to church, job to job, etc.) will only delay your progress.  If you don’t deal with the root of your issues, you’ll keep having the same problems- just in different places, with different people. It may take a while for the seeds to take root, but don’t allow impatience to abort the process. The ability to be present with your emotions and acknowledge your feelings is the epitome of self-love.

4. Sonlight– Sunlight is essential to the growth of  healthy leaves and blooms. What are you soaking up- healthy attention, or dysfunctional attention? Are you consistently soaking up the Son’s power (through prayer) or are your leaves dying from a lack of Light (living in darkness)? What are you giving your attention to… images of healthy self-love or images of degradation, disrespect, lovelessness, etc.? Anything that doesn’t line up with the Word of God will ultimately cause you to bear bad fruit. What type of fruit are you bearing?

5. Living Water– Quench your thirst for love on a daily basis. Look in the mirror every day and say, “I love you, ___________.” Listen to music that depicts the love of God (versus the world’s conditional, lust-filled counterfeit). Allow Jesus to fill the empty patches in your spirit. Allowing God to shower you with unconditional love will keep you from overdosing on someone else’s false promises of love and security. If your self-esteem is suffering severe drought, you must over-saturate your spirit with the things of God (Church, Bible Study, corporate prayer, personal prayer, etc.). Thirsty people seek affirmation from anyone/anything in order to satisfy their parched heart. This is detrimental to the cultivation of self-love. What are you thirsty for?

No matter how unhealthy your roots may be, it’s not too late to turn your weeping willow into a mighty oak tree! Know that you can develop a positive self-esteem if you commit to planting the right seeds, developing deep roots in a healthy environment, getting enough Sonlight, and allowing God to fill you with His Living Water. Let’s get back to Eden, people! 🙂

“For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:8)